A friend’s wife just filed for divorce, which is nothing of a surprise to anyone who knows them, especially their neighbors. I knew she was trouble from the first moment I met her. Judging by the permanent sneer and the talking to herself when she thinks that she’s alone, I’d say she’s been suffering from AVG (Agitated Vaginal Disorder) since puberty. And I refuse to believe it’s a matter of her being Manic-Depressive or any other label her shrink might use. She’s just an evil bitch, pure and simple.
Dan married Satan’s spawn six years ago under extenuating circumstances, if you know what I mean. He was just out of the Marines and she was moonlighting at the Gym he worked out at eight nights a week. Dan’s ideal life after the service was a wife, kids, union job, white picket fence and a new F150 every three years. But the last time I saw him (7-8 weeks ago), he was sitting alone in his ’94 Taurus outside a Dollar Store going through a mid-life crisis, second guessing almost every decision he’s made during the last twenty years. Why didn’t I go to college? Should he have stayed in the Corps? Why didn’t he wrap it up that one fateful night? Why did they have another kid? What was he thinking when he went into business with her brother? I’m sure the list goes on and on.
Anyway, I dropped by his carwash the other evening to shoot the shit with him and see if he wanted to grab a bite to eat. As I pulled into the parking lot a guy standing by the vacuum cleaners waved at me and I thought they must have hired a new captain. So, I’m looking at this guy as I’m walking towards the office and the goof keeps waving and then he starts to jog over to me, and I’m thinking he must be on a flat commission to bogart people as soon as they step out of their car.
But, lo and behold, it’s Dan in his finest form. He looked like a new man. Fresh haircut, clean shirt AND pants, and new shoes. It kind of threw me for a loss, because I hadn’t seen him look this presentable since George W was in his first term. So, in the back of my mind I’m thinking that maybe the queen of the underworld died and I just didn’t hear about it or maybe exorcisms really do work.
He stopped hugging me and smiling long enough to tell me that Kauket of Hermopolis had filed for divorce and had run off to Florida with “that guy down the block”, which in turn put him in the drivers seat to have full custody of the kids, keep the house, etc. Well, this oughta make dinner a lot more pleasant. At least now I don’t have to worry about wolfing down a burger in six minutes followed by him saying “I better get home…” So, he tosses the office keys to some old scumbag and tells him to lock up before he leaves, calls his Mom to ask her to keep the kids because he’s going out tonight and we hop in my car and decide to run down to Pho’s for some Thai, but they’re on vacation, so he decides to shift gears and suggests we go to Andy’s to eat/drink and listen to some jazz.
Now, I’m not about to drive down there, so we hopped on the red line and started shooting the shit. Of course he was ecstatic to be rid of his hag and he starts going on about how much more alive he feels, yada, yada. But then he gets a little too animated when he launches into this ten minute monologue on living life to its fullest, like he’s trying to sell me an all-inclusive vacation package.
After twenty minutes of listening to L. Ron Hubbard, we get there to find the place packed with Eurotrash and 708’ers. I was hoping that with it being a Friday that we might be “forced” to share a table with a couple of women fresh from their cubicles and were ready to party. Instead, we find ourselves standing at the bar with some Polacks who must have filled their water guns with cheap cologne.
Fast forward about two hours and Dan is clearly showing that:
1. It’s been a long time since he’s been out on the town
2. He can’t hold his liquor
3. He needs to get into better shape, because he’s sweating like a whore in church.
Plus, he’s been writing down a bucket list, which included the obvious for a guy in his situation:
- Visit Europe, including running with the bulls, climbing the Eiffel Tower, going to Lake Como and seeing Clooney’s crib, etc.
- Take up golf
- See his kids graduate from college
- Walk down the Grand Canyon
- To be choked out by our high school football coach
- Learn to speak a foreign language
- Sky dive
What a second… Getting choked out by Coach Owens? WTF?! I had to ask him about that one, but by now he was really shit faced and was trying to talk to some fat chick from Lincolnshire. I say “trying” because he sounded like Yoda at this point, “My business I own, to anytime the Dells you want could we go”. I’ll put it this way so any guy out there will understand: Dan was even too drunk to take to a strip club.
Well, just about this time the main show started and unfortunately it was gypsy jazz, which explained the crowd. I knew then I could either stick with Dan, suffer through the rest of the evening and maybe have to join Dan and a couple of Pork Chops for breakfast – or – go back to the kitchen, get him a cup of flour and wish him the best. Since I had plans in the morning, I decided to split and get a good nights sleep for once on a Friday.