Short-term solution


So, Amanda Knox is free. I’m sure a lot of people were very happy to hear this, but none more than Wendy.  A few weeks ago, during some pillow talk, she sort of blurted out a fantasy of having a our own three-way with Amanda Knox, should Knox ever go free. While hooking up with an attractive, freshly released felon does sound inviting, not knowing whether or not she really did go all Helter Skelter is enough to curb this mans appetite. Plus, one crazy broad at a time, please.

I met Wendy about five weekends ago. Mike and I had gone to The Original Pancake House for breakfast before he supposed to meet some people at Lucky Strike. When he went bowling and I went over to Washington Park to watch what I thought was going to be some type of dog and frisbee show, but I must have gone to the wrong park, because the only action going on was the nannies and a few joggers. So, I sat down and waited to see what might turn up. To make a long story short, Wendy was one of the joggers, we got to talking at the drinking fountain, we hooked up for lunch and had a very casual affair for about a month. But, we’ve since broken it off. Ok, we didn’t, but I did.

Getting a good read on people can be traced back to being single for all but eleven months of my adult life, being in sales and from having a cop as a father. After maybe two hours, my read on her was that she had daddy issues, thus prone to being an overachiever and to having anger-management issues. No big deal. Translated into Guy Speak, Wendy would be a great time in the sack for a month and then I’d have to either get a new phone number or dig a hole.

In this scenario, its best to run Play 23. All she needed to know was my first name and my cell phone number. Keep it as casual as possible, without looking like I’m only there for the sex. Only have sex at her place, with no sleepovers. Do not for any reason let her find out where I live, work or play.

I know a lot of women will read this and think I’m an asshole, but this works both ways. I’ve had it happen to me, but I didn’t care. Most guys don’t. Oh, you wanna have dinner once a week and lunch/brunch on the weekend, go back to my place, boink me, then leave? Sure. You know, it’s not like I was leaving money on her nightstand.

Call me a pig if you want, but my number one priority was networking, researching and finding a new job. Not spooning ‘till eleven am on a Saturday morning or exploring each others hearts. Despite this, I am a gentleman. I open doors, I compliment new haircuts/hairstyles, nails, perfume, outfits. I listen, I communicate, I always remember birthdays, favorite drinks, songs and movies, yada, yada. In fact, I can go as far to say that I’ve gone #2 at a woman’s apartment only twice in my adult life. I just don’t like the idea of leaving my stink in a woman’s home. But I do have to admit that one of those times was after an ex had fallen asleep after the break up sex, and I left a huge, nasty dump in her toilet. She had cheated on me and I also knew I wasn’t going to get paid back the $800 she had borrowed five days earlier. I could have wet her bed and taken her dog for a ride out to the country, but I didn’t.

Anyway, Wendy comes from money (her great-grand dad had something to do with inventing the grip for golf clubs, or something like that). And while she does have a job of sorts as an art promoter, she lives off a trust fund. Which must be sufficient, because she owns a place in Old Town and travels quite a bit.

The reasons I broke it off with her may sound petty to some people, but they were good enough for me. And, again, you’re going to think I’m a pig at first, but you’re going to think otherwise once you let it sink in for a few hours.

Week 1: It’s not even October and she’s talking about us going skiing in January.

Week 2 and forward: She always wants to kiss during sex. No matter how our bodies are contoured, she has to have her lips on mine.

Week 2: Already calling me Honey and Babe

Week 2: Is super pissed when I put my arm around the waitress/cashier at La Cebollita. I’ve been going there for a long time and I know it’s her birthday.

Week 3: She is traveling and we only have lunch once, so only a slim chance to accumulate negative points

Week 4: She answered my cell phone

Week 4: Stuck her finger in my ass in the middle of some hot sex.

Week 5 and the final straw: Calls me three times at my job. She only knew where my job was because a friend of hers works in the same building. (This and other creepy little things leads me to believe that an underground network of crazy chicks exists in this town)

I know I should have dropped her the moment I realized that she had to maintain a lip-lock during sex and started in with the Honey/Babe, but she’s got the endurance of a pack mule and quite honestly, she’s the best dirty talker I’ve ever been around.

I ended it Monday after work and she’s traveling again this week, so I know I’m safe and will only have to screen my calls. But if I get a package from UPS, you can bet I’ll have it x-rayed before opening it.

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Categories: Northside View | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

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7 thoughts on “Short-term solution

  1. “Week 2 and Forward” Problems I See by Edward Hotspur
    1) She had sex with you after a week. Not necessarily bad in and of itself, though – depends on the reason and/or the confidence level.
    2) Wants to kiss even during d****e style? Is she aware it’s not a bendy straw?
    3) Middle of hot sex + finger in the ass = end of hot sex.

    I’m going to suggest something so vile and foul, so reprehensible, that you’d be a fool not to do it. She has money. She has a couple of redeeming qualities. She has… friends willing to join? An urge to spend money on you?

    Think about it. Note: These suggestions are for you. I’d buy her a teddy bear and let her down gently with a singing telegram.

  2. Thanks for the advice, Edward. Unfortunately, I’ve been through this a few times and it always ends up a mess if you stick around too long. An example would be when I once stuck around too long during college and she tried to run me over while I was jogging. I had to climb a tree to hide. Luckily, it was at night.

    She’s steeled in her ways and the daddy-issues are the key here. They trigger the jealousy and anger issues, which lead to court dates and restraining orders.

    “Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy.” William Butler Yeats

  3. Oh, how I wish I had developed these skills earlier in life. Or, maybe I had them, but couldn’t apply them once I wanted to sleep with someone. Yeah. That was probably it.

    After my divorce, I had so many red flags firmly established in my vaginal-detecto-kit that I could spend 10 minutes with a woman and do what you just did. But I had to go through a bad marriage first, before I trusted those extant abilities.

    My new, second wife (I was single for 8 years in between, just remarried this year) has issues, because everyone has issues. But, she’s not hung up on daddy, or a slut, or passive-aggressive, and she has a good work ethic. I know, that last one will sound petty to some folks, but I was married to someone who couldn’t hold a job before, and it work me the fuck out. (And it’s indicative of other issues… which is why I’m raising our kids.)

    If this marriage fails, I won’t do it again. I can allow myself one mistake, but I don’t want to be a male Elizabeth Taylor. Some people just shouldn’t be married. Nothing wrong with that.

  4. This was a great read…… I must admit I laughed alot. I thought back to a time when I was the same way. NO sleepovers-EVER! I was out the moment they were. There were times the “risky” behavior was insane. Kissing was totally out of the question! I will say I am different from alot of other women, in my views about sex & relationships.

    You did the right thing…bes to get out now while you still can…NEXT.

  5. I’m so proud that you’ve only gone #2 twice in a chick’s apartment. Good for you. Remember this…if I didn’t marry it or give birth to it, I don’t want to smell it or clean up after it…thanks for being so sensitive 😉
    Great post.

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