Some of my readers have asked me about my Snowflake condition mentioned in a few of my posts and I thought it would be a good idea to share my experience and hope that by doing so I might help someone with the same condition.

I contracted what my Doctor calls Nimis Album Pueritus my senior year in high school, and since right after college I’ve had to take a variety of medications and/or avoid any contact with music with a heavy bass beat. I am a Snowflake, and for a Snowflake to be subjected to a heavy bass beat, is like a Tea Party member waking up in Jesse Jackson’s house. It’s something we can’t handle without lots of therapy. Generally, we experience bad gas and convulsions, but some of us may get away with just blood in our urine.

By the late 90’s I was taking a concoction (antivert/rizatriptan/clozapine) that, while it did greatly diminish the effects of most bass-based music, it had the effect on me of taking Quaaludes and Viagra at the same time. For years I was walking around blabbering, with a chubby, sort of like Ted Kennedy. However, this past spring I decided to cut out the prescriptions and go with some experimental ear pieces, specifically designed to monitor and alter sound waves. If they pick up, let’s say “Peace Treaty” by Kam, they instantly modulate the sound waves to make it sound like Lionel Richie’s “Dancing on the Ceiling”. Which sucks, but at least I can go to clubs and not have to worry about my chubby or drooling.

One of my buddies from St. Pat’s knows about my condition and has been a big help when we go to clubs. He makes it a point to be in close proximity on the dance floor, which allows me to mimic his moves, thus not having to guess on the real beat and not having to look like Chandler Bing.

Categories: Northside View | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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