My co-worker/work-wife, who’s been married for two years, recently said that she wants to get her husband “something special for his birthday, but money’s kind of tight for them right now”.

She noticed the grin on my face and quickly said “Oh, don’t tell me, I should dress up like a French Maid?”

No, I told her, that is overblown. But if you’re thinking about going that route, I could give you some perfect advice, just don’t tell your old man that you got it from some guy at work.

  1. Role-Playing is alright as long as you don’t ask him to dress up like a construction worker, cop, doctor, repair man, soldier or drummer. Otherwise, he’ll think you’re already out there bangin’ those types of guys. He’ll spend the rest of your marriage sweating every time you go see the doctor, every time you get out of a ticket, every time you call the plumber, every time you go to a “welcome back” party full of Airborne or Marines, or want to go the Aragon with your girlfriends. Ideally, you should be the one to don the costume. Princess Leia, Pocahontas and Raquel Welch, a la One Million Years B.C., are perfect ideas. Also, make sure to keep your costume on while you’re doing him. In fact, let him wake up and see you asleep, “in character”. He’ll be more than glad to plow the fields again.
  2. We (men) don’t like our sex planned more than two hours in advance. It’s just too much for us to think about and go about doing what we’re supposed to be doing. So, don’t tell him you have a “romantic” evening planned, just make it spontaneous sex for him. Go out and buy a white or yellow sun dress, put your hair up, and apple some flavored lip gloss. Then take him out to a shitty, hole-in-the-wall bar, where the only people there are washed up drunks, half-asleep at the bar. Have a couple of drinks, flirt with him like you did just a few years ago, then take him to the ladies room and blow him. You might also think about letting him bend you over under the L tracks.
  3. “Romantic Evenings” scare the shit out of men. We’re never quite sure what the rules are and don’t want to lose out on the opportunity to bump uglys. So, we end up spending the entire time at the MCA, Lyric Opera or Signature Room kicking ourselves for not reading your Glamour or Cosmopolitan, or for not having paid enough “attention” to your “signals”, or not being able to properly decipher them. Really, it’s heart breaking.
  4. Car Sex (enough said)
  5. Don’t take him to the Pink Monkey and fuck him in a private room. You’ll just be pissed off about it in two years. Trust me.
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