Monthly Archives: February 2010


My co-worker/work-wife, who’s been married for two years, recently said that she wants to get her husband “something special for his birthday, but money’s kind of tight for them right now”.

She noticed the grin on my face and quickly said “Oh, don’t tell me, I should dress up like a French Maid?”

No, I told her, that is overblown. But if you’re thinking about going that route, I could give you some perfect advice, just don’t tell your old man that you got it from some guy at work.

  1. Role-Playing is alright as long as you don’t ask him to dress up like a construction worker, cop, doctor, repair man, soldier or drummer. Otherwise, he’ll think you’re already out there bangin’ those types of guys. He’ll spend the rest of your marriage sweating every time you go see the doctor, every time you get out of a ticket, every time you call the plumber, every time you go to a “welcome back” party full of Airborne or Marines, or want to go the Aragon with your girlfriends. Ideally, you should be the one to don the costume. Princess Leia, Pocahontas and Raquel Welch, a la One Million Years B.C., are perfect ideas. Also, make sure to keep your costume on while you’re doing him. In fact, let him wake up and see you asleep, “in character”. He’ll be more than glad to plow the fields again.
  2. We (men) don’t like our sex planned more than two hours in advance. It’s just too much for us to think about and go about doing what we’re supposed to be doing. So, don’t tell him you have a “romantic” evening planned, just make it spontaneous sex for him. Go out and buy a white or yellow sun dress, put your hair up, and apple some flavored lip gloss. Then take him out to a shitty, hole-in-the-wall bar, where the only people there are washed up drunks, half-asleep at the bar. Have a couple of drinks, flirt with him like you did just a few years ago, then take him to the ladies room and blow him. You might also think about letting him bend you over under the L tracks.
  3. “Romantic Evenings” scare the shit out of men. We’re never quite sure what the rules are and don’t want to lose out on the opportunity to bump uglys. So, we end up spending the entire time at the MCA, Lyric Opera or Signature Room kicking ourselves for not reading your Glamour or Cosmopolitan, or for not having paid enough “attention” to your “signals”, or not being able to properly decipher them. Really, it’s heart breaking.
  4. Car Sex (enough said)
  5. Don’t take him to the Pink Monkey and fuck him in a private room. You’ll just be pissed off about it in two years. Trust me.
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Play it again, Sam

To help you better understand me, I thought I would provide you with a list of my favorite 50 all-time songs.

  1. Bad Company – Bad Company
  2. Simple Man – Lynyrd Skynyrd
  3. Jump Around – Cypress Hill
  4. Sabotage – Beastie Boys
  5. Bad to the Bone – George Thorogood
  6. The Suite Theme – Maxwell
  7. Urban Hang Suite – Maxwell
  8. You Really Got Me – Van Halen
  9. Don’t Stop Believing – Journey
  10. Seven Nation Army – White Stripes
  11. Believe – Brooks and Dunn
  12. Blue in Green – Miles Davis
  13. Bulls On Parade – Rage Against the Machine
  14. Tuesday’s Gone – Lynyrd Skynyrd
  15. I Can’t Go For That – Hall & Oates
  16. Love Shack – B-52s
  17. Symphony No. 5 – Carl Nielsen
  18. Symphony No. 2 – Carl Nielsen
  19. Whole Lotta Love – Led Zeppelin
  20. Clocks – Coldplay
  21. Gold Digger – Kanye West
  22. Good Times Roll – The Cars
  23. We Will Rock You – Queen
  24. You Should Be Dancing – The Bee Gees
  25. Contierto de Aranjuez – Joaquin Rodrigo
  26. American Woman – The Guess Who
  27. Shining Star – Earth, Wind & Fire
  28. Alison – Elvis Costello
  29. Sweet Home Alabama – Lynyrd Skynyrd
  30. How – Lisa Loeb (yeah, that’s right)
  31. Pour Some Sugar on Me – Def Leppard
  32. Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin
  33. In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel
  34. Stand – R.E.M
  35. The Message – Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five
  36. And the Cradle Will Rock – Van Halen
  37. Caught Up in You – 38 Special
  38. If You Don’t Know Me By Now – Simply Red
  39. What I Like About You – The Romantics
  40. Shout – Tears for Fears
  41. White Wedding – Billy Idol
  42. Unanswered Prayers – Garth Brooks
  43. Stranglehold – Ted Nugent
  44. Ribbon In The Sky – Stevie Wonder
  45. Free Bird – Lynyrd Skynyrd
  46. Should I Stay or Should I Go – The Clash
  47. Pride (In the Name of Love) – U2
  48. It’s Been Awhile – Staind
  49. The Outlaw Torn – Metallica
  50. UnivitedAlanis Morissette
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