If you are not here, please raise your hand


I was hanging out at the Green Mill last night, when I get a call on my cell around 1:30, and it’s Marty. He’s been out with his skank girlfriend, they’re too drunk to find their car, and they’re asking if I can come up there and help them find it. Sure, I got nothing better to do, like the Elisa Cuthbert (Alison) I’ve been drinking with the last ninety minutes.

When is this guy going to get it right? First off, the Courtney Love-wannabe skank he’s been dating the last year and a half thinks he’s sexy sporting the Emo look. Um, I don’t think dressing like a confused sixteen-year-old boy is the best thing for a thirty-six year old man, but what do I know. What started out as a near-sighted date, really took off once they once they went to Lollapalooza. He was gone for three days and came back looking brainwashed. Since then he’s all about “Skank”, as we call her.

But, frankly, some people may look at him and think she was made-to-order for him. As long as I’ve known him, he’s been the one to do something really weird or stupid. I guess to bring attention to himself. A couple of summers ago me and a bunch of guys (incl Marty) went down to Evansville, IN to gamble on their boat and at a nearby horse track in Kentucky.

So, we’re at the track surrounded by legions of rednecks and we’re all three sheets in the wind from drinking beer and smoking cheap cigars. We had a box next to about fifteen 4-wheel-driving,  deer-huntin’, possum-eatin’ union boys and we (both realms of reality) had been having a great time buying rounds and talking football, mma, Megan Fox vs. Halle Berry, and the regular macho what-not, when Marty has a fit with our server because he can’t get one of his vaginally-challenged mixed drinks. Don’t get me wrong, But I don’t think even Tony Soprano would stand there and try to order a Caribbean Breeze at a horse track in Kentucky, literally, “down by the river”. Am I right or am I right?

Back to this morning, I explained to my Elisa Cuthbert what was going on and she offered to ride up there before I could even say “sorry”.  Fifteen minutes later we’re outside looking into the window of Ricky G’s on Western (cool little place if you have the chance to go) and we see Marty and Skank making out at the bar, like it was a conjugal visit.

I grab Marty and Skank throw them into our cab and got them home safely. In fact, they made out the entire cab ride home AND she had a “wardrobe malfunction” on the elevator going up to Marty’s. But now I had to pay them back for possibly screwing up my blue light time with Elisa. As Marty, Skank and Elisa were in the kitchen, I went to the bathroom to pull a switcharoo. Now, I’m no genius, but I was sure they had a 99.9% chance of having sex.  So, me being me, I emptied the little KY bottle and filled it with his Germ X Sanitizer. I haven’t heard from him yet, so maybe they enjoyed it.

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Categories: Northside View | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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