I made sure that Big Paul understood that her phone number was the prize and not anything remotely close to what was running through his hormone-fueled thoughts. There would be no gettin’ lucky tonight. Well, only if she initiated it with him. But I knew the odds were better of me getting the clap from the toilet seat, than of him hooking up tonight with a twenty two year old, out-of-the-blue, nymphomaniac.
I could tell that being able to relax and focus on only seven numbers was taking an enormous amount of pressure off of him. However, to avoid any confusion, I told him not to touch anyone and not to order anyone a Sex On The Beach, Piece Of Ass or Blow Job. In fact, I will order the booze when the time is right. You just stand there and not lose the game. Ok, Kyle Orton?
The buxom brunette/girl next door was hanging back from the herd once the jackals circled around them, so she seemed a plausible target. Mentally she was already separated from the herd, now we had to spiritually and physically get her away from them. I knew that as long as she was close to them, as long as she was within “Hey” distance, she could draw strength from the herd and they could sap strength from us. Therefore, we had to get her over to our side of the bar by the pool table.
Basically, everything was already in our favor. They were standing near the front door on the coldest night of this early winter. So every time somebody would come in, the ladies were hit with an arctic blast. Yes, they had a TV over there, but it was tuned to ESPN. Ours had sitcoms. Cute little drinking games can be played while those. They had the vultures circling around them. We were the only guys on this side of the bar, well, except for the fella with neatly trimmed beard. But, he was as queer as a football bat and not perceived as a threat to her or our mission. In addition, we had the pool table, dartboards, empty bar stools, the large front windows and my big tipper status to expedite our drink orders.
Between us and the herd were the jukebox and the restrooms. The jukebox could only be turned on by the bartender, Gigi. She would do it, but you had to make sure to play a few of her favorites first. We’re talking about the likes of Free Bird, Stairway To Heaven, White Wedding, and Pour Some Sugar On Me, your jukebox classics. The rest of the songs chosen had to be Christmas songs.
Now we waited for Girl Next Door to go to the restroom, then we could catch her (figuratively speaking) on her way out. In the meantime, I explained a few more things to Big Paul. She needs a safe zone, away from the jackals and that’s what we’re going to give her. Once you get her talking at the jukebox, look at the herd and jackals and say something like “Wow, looks like you guys are in for a rough evening, heh.” Then point over to me and the Beard. I’ll make sure to be talking to him when you’re over there. Also, let her know that we’re sampling drinks with weird names like a Bartman, Scooby Snack, Buzz Lightyear, etc. Again, do not mention Sex On The Beach, Piece Of Ass, Wet Dream or Blow Job or anything of the sort. Then tell her we’re sampling some Flintstones next. Don’t ask her to join us, tell her she’s “more than welcome to join us” as you’re walking back to our spot. Moreover, don’t look desperate or horny.
Oh, we also needed to keep her facing us and away from the herd, so she can’t get a disapproving look or a glance from the herd. Also, one more time, do not put those giant mitts anywhere on her. Oh yeah, you have maybe a foot of height on her, so make sure to stay seated, so as not to always be the giant in the room. Getting her number will be easiest part of the PSYOP. After our second sample, right at the beginning of us reacting to something funny being said by me or the beard, you say… “Oh, a bunch of us are going Christmas Caroling on the 16th, why don’t you join us?” I’ll make sure the Beard backs you up.
Whew! I think I covered everything with him, but you can’t take anything for granted. So then I went over and talked to The Beard. I explained everything that was happening and he thought it was funny. He glanced over at Big Paul and said anything to help the guy out. Besides, his friend hadn’t showed up yet, so he was bored and would like something to do anyway.
So now everything is laid out, after twenty minutes she goes to the restroom, Big Paul talks to her at the jukebox, and about fifteen minutes later after watching Gigi make us a Flaming Gay Morgan (in honor of The Beard, which he really did think was funny, plus I asked Gigi to make it over by the herd so the Girl Next Door could see it), she joins us. We had a couple of more drinks (I can’t remember what), she bit on the caroling and everything was going smooth. Everybody’s a winner tonight! Big Paul got his number and in his mind a pseudo date, the Girl Next Door got away from the heard on her own terms, The Beard made a few friends and I got to bask in all my glory of King of PSYOP’s and a pimp of sorts.
Satisfied with the outcome, I decided to hit the men’s room. On the way over there, I bumped into a girl I know and we talked for about ten minutes about this and that, then I took care of business, washed my hands and face, made a call in the hallway that lasted maybe three minutes and headed out towards our spot.
As I walked out, I see Big Paul pointing and yelling at some pretty boys and the blonde Ice Queen, “You’re an asshole, you’re an asshole, you’re an asshole and you’re a whore!” I was going to just slip out of there quietly, but The Beard motioned me to get back over there. Evidently, some of the herd and the jackals joined our crowd while I was taking care of business. Pretty Boys being how they are must have said something that messed with our plan, Big Paul tried to re-establish our dominance, Pretty Boys tried to assert theirs, yada, yada. So now, everything I planned and executed was for nothing. The Herd left with the Jackals and Big Paul stormed out alone, again.