Let’s just call it even and move on


I had problems with stomach acid for a while and went to the doctor to see how bad it was, but the doctor said I had to get a complete physical, plus blood tests, before they ran any tests. I was to have the physical on one day, then come back a week later for the invasive stuff.

So, my doctor’s office is at Illinois Masonic, a teaching hospital or whatever they call them. Which means I never see the same doctor twice. I can’t begin to pronounce most of their names and each of them generally fuck up my first name, which is only two consonants and one vowel. Anyway, when the doctor was finished tapping my knees and looking into my nose and ears, he left the room for twenty minutes only to stick his head in and tell me that Dr. “Whosenameicantpronounce” will be in to finish the exam.  I really didn’t know what else needed to be examined, but OK. So, the door opens and Dr. “Whosenameicantpronounce” is a hot little chick from a land far away, but she’s got a stare that would freezewater. I swear a light came on inside her mouth every time she opened it. Anyway, she starts asking me about my sex life and mixing in helpful bits of info on how to avoid std’s and the like, and I’m wondering what does any of this have to do with acid reflux?  But then she reaches for a pair of examination gloves and tells me to stand in front of her. Now, for some guys this would be a turn-on, but not me and that’s when I realized that nothing higher than my knees and lower than my stomach has been examined. HOLY SCHMOLEY, SHE’S GONNA EXAMINE STANLEY AND THE BOYS! WHAT TYPE OF OUTFIT IS THIS?!

She played it smart and broke the ice by poking her finger you know where first. Personally, I thought she had it in there deep enough and long enough that she should at least offer to buy me a drink later. Maybe a glass of wine to go with my tossed salad. Next she reached up under my robe and squeezed the boys what I thought was a little too hard. It was almost as if she was paying me back for something wrong I did to her. I dunno, maybe I would recognize her if she was drunk and wearing a Cubs shirt and mini skirt. I tried to memorize her name so I could run it past some friends. Maybe I did do something to piss her off or maybe one of my drinking buddies did and I was guilty by association.

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