Monthly Archives: September 2009
No matter how cool or hip you think the look is, don’t show up for any job interview, anywhere, with a three day beard. George Michael, Tom Brady and Andersen Cooper could pull off the look, but not guys like us.
I was walking into a Borders the other day and a woman was leaving as I was walking in. I caught the scent of the perfume she was wearing (I think) and immediately thought of an ex of ions ago. The next four or five hours was spent thinking of the good and bad times with her. The mind is a crazy thing my friend.
Later that evening I was going through the Sunday ads and I came across one of those perfume envelopes with perfume in the glue… you know what I mean. I opened it and thought of another ex. So I started to think of what brings certain women to mind and found that the list is longer than I thought…
Sight: the beach, spandex, drunk women, low-cut blouses, ferries, great outdoors, falling snow, laundromats, sea shells, dairy queen, single mothers, parking meters, raccoons, knee-high strap-up sandals, meter maids, country roads, blushing, central park, white ann taylor “perfect shirt”, lip gloss, tramp stamps, exposed necks, nothing on but an old worn-out thin t-shirt (her), highway 14, candy stores, Amoco’s, dark/wet gangways, and F150’s
Sound: drunk women, Sade, country music, squirrels barking, cats purring, whispering in my ear, kind of blue/miles davis, symphonies no. 5 and no. 2/carl nielsen, contierto de aranjuez/joaquin rodrigo, and alarm clocks.
Smell: toast, beach, hot tea, baby oil, lip gloss, saganaki, oatmeal/raison cookies, coco fragrance, angel fragrance, diamonds fragrance, light blue fragrance, caress body wash, campfires, fresh bread still baking, and tents.
Taste: mayonnaise, pinot grigio, sangria, peanut butter, capers, light blue fragrance, that sweet spot just below her neck (front and back), and lemon-flavored toothpaste
Touch: sand on a wooden floor, haircuts, snow, satin sheets, wool scarves, lake breeze, and hands (touching)
Now, I’m not saying that all of these are turn-on’s. It’s the contrary.
Turn-off’s: drunk women, meter maids, country music, morning breath, alarm clocks, coco perfume, wool scarves and F150’s
Turn-on’s: nothing on but an old worn-out thin t-shirt (her), falling snow, ann taylor white satin “perfect shirt” with a pencil skirt, light blue fragrance, blushing, Sade or Maxwell music, whispering in my ear, lip gloss, satin sheets, pinot grigio, baby oil, that sweet spot just below her neck (front and back), angel/diamonds fragrances, sea shells, dark/wet gangways, sangria, kind of blue, caress body wash, symphonies no. 5 and no. 2/carl nielsen, contierto de aranjuez/joaquin rodrigo, country roads, exposed necks (yes, exceptions exist), oatmeal/raison cookies, central park, touching hands, direct eye contact, toast and campfires
Makes no difference: spandex (yes, exceptions exist), low-cut blouses (yes, exceptions exist), laundromats, dairy queens, snow, single mothers, raccoons, knee high strap up sandals, tramp stamps, squirrels barking, hot tea, tents, peanut butter, lemon-flavored toothpaste, sand on a wooden floor, the beach, great outdoors, Amoco and mayonnaise
I had problems with stomach acid for a while and went to the doctor to see how bad it was, but the doctor said I had to get a complete physical, plus blood tests, before they ran any tests. I was to have the physical on one day, then come back a week later for the invasive stuff.
So, my doctor’s office is at Illinois Masonic, a teaching hospital or whatever they call them. Which means I never see the same doctor twice. I can’t begin to pronounce most of their names and each of them generally fuck up my first name, which is only two consonants and one vowel. Anyway, when the doctor was finished tapping my knees and looking into my nose and ears, he left the room for twenty minutes only to stick his head in and tell me that Dr. “Whosenameicantpronounce” will be in to finish the exam. I really didn’t know what else needed to be examined, but OK. So, the door opens and Dr. “Whosenameicantpronounce” is a hot little chick from a land far away, but she’s got a stare that would freezewater. I swear a light came on inside her mouth every time she opened it. Anyway, she starts asking me about my sex life and mixing in helpful bits of info on how to avoid std’s and the like, and I’m wondering what does any of this have to do with acid reflux? But then she reaches for a pair of examination gloves and tells me to stand in front of her. Now, for some guys this would be a turn-on, but not me and that’s when I realized that nothing higher than my knees and lower than my stomach has been examined. HOLY SCHMOLEY, SHE’S GONNA EXAMINE STANLEY AND THE BOYS! WHAT TYPE OF OUTFIT IS THIS?!
She played it smart and broke the ice by poking her finger you know where first. Personally, I thought she had it in there deep enough and long enough that she should at least offer to buy me a drink later. Maybe a glass of wine to go with my tossed salad. Next she reached up under my robe and squeezed the boys what I thought was a little too hard. It was almost as if she was paying me back for something wrong I did to her. I dunno, maybe I would recognize her if she was drunk and wearing a Cubs shirt and mini skirt. I tried to memorize her name so I could run it past some friends. Maybe I did do something to piss her off or maybe one of my drinking buddies did and I was guilty by association.