Facebook Follies


I’m up to 268 “friends” on my Facebook page. Some are people I’ve worked with, others went to my high school or college, some are old neighbors or dart throwers, etc. Most people definitely look older, fatter, balder, some uglier, or more stressed, etc. than the last time I saw them.  And a few still look like the asshole I knew them as, while others seem to have jumped on a wagon of sorts and cleaned themselves up.

The curse of Facebook is that in order to play the game, you have to add almost everyone who Friendicates you. I said almost everyone. I have maybe thirty people who I will not add, ever. Some of them look like they might hit me up for $300 right before Christmas. Others look as though they about to jump bail and show up my job.

One of my “friends”, Tyler, has five more kids than when I saw him the summer after we graduated from high school and he has that fake “I’m so happy with these brats and stupid bitch in this photo” look I’ve seen a million (ok, only 27) times.  Of course, I’ve never understood why people post fifty pictures of their kids, when nobody is going to get past the first page of them unless they’re a stalker or something.

Me? I have two pictures on my profile. Me and John Bon Jovi taken outside SmithWollensky and me having coffee with a friend at Standee’s.  I once had one of me leaning against my car, but I took it down because I don’t want Chrissie from Lombard recognizing it (and me) when I’m driving pulling into White Castle.

And that brings me to my biggest concern…. Actually having to see half of these people in person. Having one of them show up on my doorstep would cause the evacuation of my bowels. Now don’t get me wrong, I am one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet. I’m funny and can hold a conversation with the best of them. Kids even like me. But, I live in the city for the anonymity. I want to see them before they see me.  Call it anti-social, but as soon as some people learn that I’m single with no kids, they think I’m always available to help them move, babysit, check on their house, fix up with their cousin Sally or whatever.

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