Monthly Archives: March 2009

The eX Factor: Whop! Bam! Boom!

When I in college, I met a girl I just had to go out with. She stood about 5’7”, had shoulder length brown hair, a stunning figure (I am trying to be cool here in case she ever reads this), absolutely beautiful brown eyes and a very gracious attitude. She had plenty of suitors, but I knew that my charm and will would win her over.

Amanda and I worked together at Sears, me in customer service, her in hardware (with my roommate/wingman Schwartz). Every day when I would go to work, I would pray that she was working and would need some forms, some change, or just would just need something to bring her back to my department, and I would always make sure that I was the one who waited on her. After she started flirting with me I made sure she knew where the good parties were (of course I would be at them). I was only 20 and could use Schawrtz’s ID to get into bars, but she was only 19 and couldn’t get in every time.  One night we’re at a party when I get the vibe that I’d better strike while the kettle’s hot, when a buddy of mine tells me that the girl he’s chasing after is having a small get together the next Saturday. I asked Amanda if she wanted to come over next Saturday night for few drinks, listen to some tunes in my dorm room and then head over to a small party and she readily agreed.  Now don’t get me wrong. I knew that sleeping with her was out of the question. I just wanted…. I’m really not sure what I wanted.

So, over the next few days I made sure to scrub my dorm room and do laundry, so the place wouldn’t smell like old beer cans and dirty socks, and I must have borrowed a dozen albums and spent hours making the perfect mix tape (remember those days?). I even bought a blue hankie to drape over the lamp shade to accentuate the mood. I also decided to hide one of our two chairs in another guys room, forcing her to set on the bed. And my coup-de-grace was getting a bottle of champagne. Man, was I a smooth operator or what?! (just keep reading).

About 4:00 pm Saturday afternoon, while at work, it donned on me that I forgot to chill the champagne. Now my friends were a very resourceful group of guys who could always get the job done no matter the odds or circumstances, so I called a buddy, Cujo, and asked him to get some ice. Unfortunately he couldn’t find any anywhere, so he went to the science labs across the street from Sandison Hall and found some there. It was being used to pack dead rats awaiting dissection. No shit.

Around 9:00 I was in my room when the receptionist called and said that Amanda was on her way up. “OK, stay calm and let’s go through the check list” I said to myself.  Room clean, check. I showered, check. Mood light, check. Shades drawn, check. No roommate, check (Schwartz was out of town). Champagne packed in dead rat ice, check.

Man oh Man, when that elevator door opened. She was a sight to see. The big 80’s hair, a tight sweater and jeans, those beautiful brown eyes. (yeah I knew the color of her eyes). As soon as she walked into my room I said “you must be tired after working all day. Here sit down and put your feet up, knock your socks off.”(ok, going good so far). I told her I couldn’t get any beer, but I did have some champagne. She loved champagne! (ok, still going good). After some small talk and one glass I said “How about some music. Damn, I’m tired of always hearing Van Halen, .38 Special… hey look, here’s one of Schwartzs tapes” Ohhh, she likes Sade.

After about an hour of talking, drinking dead rat-iced champagne and flirting in a roommate-less dorm room, I could see the “close the deal” look in her eyes. I leaned in and kissed those lovely lips. Mmmmmm, oh yeah. Next thing I know is we’re lying back on the bed (ok, really going great about now)….

Background info: “the bed” is Schwartzs bed. We had the typical make ‘em bunks beds if you want to, so we decided to have his run on the floor, north and south along the wall, while mine was raised and ran east to west along the wall. They formed an L in the corner of the room, allowing us more room for important things like Schwartz’s kick-ass AA speakers.

… kissing, when the damn “loud enough to wake the dead” phone rings, scaring the shit out of me. I sat up too quick and Whop! I hit the back of my head on the frame of my bed above me. Sure enough, it was my ex-girlfriend calling me, drunk from a bar, 120 miles away.  I got her off the phone asap and was kissing Amanda again within thirty seconds when the ex called again. I knew it had to be her, but Amanda thought I should go ahead and take the call. “No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah, ok, no, ok” was all I could say at the time. I didn’t want the situation to cool down any, so I simply hung up the phone, took it off the receiver and unplugged the headset from the cord.

I shot over to the bed like a rabbit to get back to kissing this doll, when, Bam!, I smacked my forehead on the very same bed frame. So now I’m lying there after kicking my own ass, almost startedd kissing her again (btw, she was a wonderful kisser), when she starts asking questions.

“Who was that”  “Ehhh, nobody, just a drunk friend from home”

“Do you have a girlfriend”  “No”

“Why is she calling you drunk on a Sat night”  “She’s drunk”

“Are you sure you don’t have a girlfriend”  “Yes I’m sure, we broke up a while back” (actually we were always breaking up and getting back together)

I guess I didn’t sell the truth well enough, because the next thing I know she’s telling me her dad wanted her home early because they had something special going on at church tomorrow. Boom! The night was over. In fact, the vibe I got from from her from then on was one of “you’re a creep”.  She might has well moved to Canada. So, the lesson I learned that night is always remember the eX factor when trying to hook up with another woman. End of story.

Categories: Northside View | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Exit Stage Left: Interview Strategies, Tactics and/or Lessons Learned

Men, under no circumstances should you give in to the nervous pee you think you need to take minutes before an interview. Trust me.

Imagine taking the whiz only to shake the dew from the lily onto your suit pants. Then instead of being able to sit through the interview, that guy wants asks you to relax, take off your suit jacket and walk around the facilities so you can get a better feel for the place. OK, you still have your notebook, right? Well, it looks kind of weird when you’re constantly holding it over your crotch.

Categories: Career Enhancement | Leave a comment

>>Alert<<

I will be standing on the corner of Morse and Ravenswood this Sunday from 10:15 am – 10:25 am.

Please do not bother me. If I happen to look at you, look away.

Categories: Alert | Leave a comment

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